Monday, August 23, 2010
do i want to document this day? not really....but i am anyway because i want to celebrate and express my gratitude for the cat that has shared in my life for over ten years. tomorrow at 11:30am i have to say goodbye...and let go. i don't want to....i mean i really really really don't want to...i'm not ready....but this isn't about me....it's about him and all the problems and health issues he has...it's about loving him enough to let him go so he doesn't have to go through this anymore.
i am trying to push aside my feelings of guilt....of regret....of my loss.....i am trying to ignore myself long enough to do what's best for him. i look at him and know i still have so much love left to give him.....i am trying to send him every loving, joyful, grateful vibe i have in me......i want him to know just how much he has been loved the past decade...and how much he will continue to be loved.
he has annoyed me by jumping on counters, eating my food, given me comfort by cuddling every night.....he has been through my chaotic 20s with me....he has moved and adjusted to all the places i've been and lived....he has meowed me into submission when i get out the milk container...and tripped me up when i open the can of tuna to make a sandwich......he has given me endless joy.
i'm not ready for this....but who is ever ready for hard change?.....who is ever ready for loss?.....who decides to embrace pain? or hurt? life hurts sometimes....some days just plain ole' suck. today sucks...i guarantee tomorrow will suck even more. my heart is hurting...despite the heartache i will be there....holding him when he moves on.....
so today he gets whatever he wants.....today is about love. i can't hardly get anything done, because i don't want to take my eyes off of him....i want to embrace every second i have until i have to say goodbye.
so if you are reading, send all the positive vibes you can to him.....he deserves it :)