Monday, August 23, 2010

hard lessons...

do i want to document this day? not really....but i am anyway because i want to celebrate and express my gratitude for the cat that has shared in my life for over ten years.  tomorrow at 11:30am i have to say goodbye...and let go.  i don't want to....i mean i really really really don't want to...i'm not ready....but this isn't about's about him and all the problems and health issues he's about loving him enough to let him go so he doesn't have to go through this anymore.  
i am trying to push aside my feelings of guilt....of regret....of my loss.....i am trying to ignore myself long enough to do what's best for him.  i look at him and know i still have so much love left to give him.....i am trying to send him every loving, joyful, grateful vibe i have in me......i want him to know just how much he has been loved the past decade...and how much he will continue to be loved.  
he has annoyed me by jumping on counters, eating my food, given me comfort by cuddling every night.....he has been through my chaotic 20s with me....he has moved and adjusted to all the places i've been and lived....he has meowed me into submission when i get out the milk container...and tripped me up when i open the can of tuna to make a sandwich......he has given me endless joy.  
i'm not ready for this....but who is ever ready for hard change?.....who is ever ready for loss?.....who decides to embrace pain? or hurt?  life hurts sometimes....some days just plain ole' suck.  today sucks...i guarantee tomorrow will suck even more.  my heart is hurting...despite the heartache i will be there....holding him when he moves on.....

so today he gets whatever he is about love.  i can't hardly get anything done, because i don't want to take my eyes off of him....i want to embrace every second i have until i have to say goodbye.

so if you are reading, send all the positive vibes you can to him.....he deserves it :)


  1. oh, Celisa.

    i can't even imagine what you are going through, but you're right and you're doing the right thing.

    it's a selfless decision and it's going to hurt, but you don't really have another choice. i'm thinking about both of you and i'm going to love on my pets a little more tonight.

  2. Dear Celisa,
    Two years ago I went through this. I know the pain, it's real and hurts to the bone. It is a pain that for me was different than the loss of my humans because this was a dog that had been with me for 15 years, every single day. They love us, warts and all.

    You will heal. But for today...don't try to do anything or get anything done. Make the day about you and the boy. Take pictures and love him, like you's him today.
    When he goes on to become a kitty again, as he will... make for yourself a little shrine of love to remember and honor him. I did for Mia and it has helped me. I still miss her and cry.

    You will be with him again someday, and you will run through fields chasing butterflies.
    Hugs to you.
    I am so sorry for your grief. xo love Darcy

  3. hey there. i had to do the same to my cat, back in 2007, put him under - it was time because he was very sick. :( just keep happy thoughts about him.