Wednesday, November 11, 2009

looking back through old journals and notebooks i see how hopeful i was years ago. i believed that people were good, life worked out...if only you believed it would. i now know none of that is true. people aren't always good. they don't do the right things all the time. life isn't fair. bad things happen to everyone. experiences, even with good intentions, can bring pain...suffering...disappointment. so what do we do? how can we prevent this? we do nothing. we can't prevent it. we will suffer. we will be disappointed. we will let ourselves down, and others will let us down. we do it anyway. we live anyway. we love anyway. we risk anyway. we get up every day, make our coffee or tea, and we walk out that door facing adversity with every step we take. we keep a brave face most of the time. if we're good at it, we hide our insecurities, our deep rooted issues and anxieties, and we survive. why? because sometimes, almost always, love conquers hate. love conquers fear. hope outweighs doubt. hope is rooted in a part of us that no fear or anxiety can touch. hope is otherworldly. it is light, not dark. it is real. it radiates. it is contagious. it is necessary. it is what keeps us alive. hope.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

i make lists. i make them for everything: groceries to buy, things to organize, things to clean, things to accomplish that day, this week, in a lifetime, things that inspire me, music to buy, items to create, adventures i want to take, etc etc etc.
At times i think i create too many i quit for awhile....and then i stop sleeping as well...feel more chaotic...can't seem to focus on one task for too long. it's funny because most of the time i end up doing everything else in the world but what's on the list...but somehow this rebelling against the list gets thing done. almost seems to motivate me more. so i continue to make them because that's what i do....that's what we all do. we all have these things about us, things we do in our everyday lives that make us who we are. but instead of having everything mapped out...i have started adding something else to my daily started awhile back when i read this quote, "you can't expect anything unexpected to happen, if you never do anything unexpected" i write down a slot, a space, 'the unexpected'....because inevitably the unexpected ALWAYS happens...even if it's not today, it will tomorrow. it can come in the form of bad news, good news, a visit from a friend, an opportunity to socialize, inspiration that makes you seize the moment and create instead of wash dishes, a sunny day that leaves you craving fresh air instead of staying in.....the unexpected IS life. it can lead you ironically to what in the big picture is 'planned' for your life.....if you choose to seize it. embrace it. relish and wallow in it. the unexpected is breaking out in dance when the moment strikes. it's giving hugs because you must...because you feel's a life that is full.... give yourself room to dance around with the unexpected. cause it's gonna come anyway. whether you 'plan' for it or not.