Monday, June 7, 2010
what's on my mind....
when i was in the midst of major internal anxiety and chaos years ago i began to seek out ways of resolving this...coming to terms with everything around me. i was young...too young to realize life wasn't about perfection or pristine happiness......it was about struggle and overcoming, and choosing happy anyway. i didn't know that then, i do now....and so at the time i researched what some would call 'new age' methods of dealing with anxiety and depression. at first i thought it was silly....i wanted a quick fix....i wanted it to be better right then. it doesn't work like that, but i was naive and foolish and thought it could be that easy. i tried little things anyway....i began envisioning joyful calm places....when i breathed i tried to focus on an imaginary 'center' inside of me....i saw it teeter and sway until i got it steady...almost like a level would be. when i remembered to, i would pretend as though i was breathing in life with every inhale, and exhaling stress and negativity. i started a journal of pictures, thoughts, ideas that inspired me...photos that stirred me and made me smile or feel serene, or even made me feel like bursting with life....i started discovering who i was and what made me tick. it wasn't about not making mistakes...it was about making them and learning from them once they happened. it was about the process of elimination. i made a choice and if i felt more chaotic, then i learned it was something that increased my anxiety...so i began to slowly cut out those things, or reduce them the best i could at the time. with my visual and idea journal i could begin to see a pattern after a certain amount of time.....so i took what was in those photos and attempted to bring that into my life.....simple things really....a certain color that was in my photos more than others (turquoise), flowers that moved me (sunflowers, zinnias, moss rose), mason jars, comfort foods, etc.
With this began my real creative journey....i slowed down enough to pay attention and understand that i was missing a HUGE part of who i was....i wasn't giving any kind of homage to my creative self. I sat down with my grandmother and learned how to crochet (for the gazillionth time), and it finally 'clicked'....i was paying attention. i became obsessed with how calm crocheting made me feel...i put all of my excess energy into making scarves and hats....i literally crocheted my way into sanity...somewhat cause i'm still crazy :) this led to other creative pursuits that i am so grateful for....and i'm still learning and exploring, and hope i always will be.
My point is that you absolutely HAVE TO find what makes you tick...what you love. There is no other way around it. It's about survival. It's about living this life the best way you can with the best *you* you can. It's about the simple things...simple pleasures....simple moments that create your life and your whole existence. It is SO important. It ultimately defines every relationship you will ever have. I sometimes feel redundant stressing this point so much, but it is everything.
If you haven't already, START NOW. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. (cheesy i know).
I have so so so much more flowing through my mind.....right now though i must get back to packing....new starts are always so exciting for me.