wash me clean...

we have to be open to letting anything and everything change us....or affect us is perhaps the phrase to use instead.....none of this 'on the surface' shit.  i don't want to skim on the water like a rock being skipped on smooth still ponds....i yearn to be washed over and cleansed by massive waves and torrential rains of a hurricane.  

it's hard to dance with the devil on your back...

i sometimes forget to have fun.  i get so deeply involved in trying to be a better person that i forget to just let go and let life flow.  in the midst of telling myself every day to be more loving, less critical, more at ease, less judgmental of others, i realize i am completely immersed in being mean, critical, unkind, and judgmental of myself....which in turn expands any kind of feelings of being inadequate.  enough is enough right?  i understand now that i get so caught up in that future potential that i don't allow myself to just be the me i am right now.  no more dragging that horse around.....i'm gonna shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out....

history of meat eating if you please

It's been half a year with no meat consumption.    Yes, I've lost weight...but only after figuring out the healthiest way to be vegetarian (and I'm still learning).  Yes, I have more energy.  Yes, it does make it hard to eat out.  I have found it is very hard to be vegetarian in the South; everything revolves around meat.  Even if something doesn't have meat in it, it is usually flavored with meat or meat is cooked in it....it starts with meat somehow.  

As the season change, I am struggling (my body is) to adjust to vegetarianism once again.  The comfort foods I am so used to making in the Fall are not in alignment with who I am anymore....chicken and dumplings, chili, grilling meat outside, bbq in the crockpot all day..and so on.  It's as if my body remembers how I eat when Summer turns to Fall....is this possible?   In my curiosity to find this out I have stumbled on so much research about how our bodies have evolved to eat meat....even our jaws/teeth have been drastically changed.  

It has led me to be more inquisitive about the history of meat eating...and how it affects humans/animals/the world....how we all have evolved from it...benefits and/or harmful disadvantages.   I'm fascinated by it all now.  If you have any links/articles/books/etc that might aid in my interest, please feel free to inform me.

free.....

sometimes i think i will rebel and so i don't shave for a few days......then i get paranoid it will limit me (shorts wearing, swimsuit, the looks, the obsession of not shaving as opposed to the obsession WITH shaving) so i shave again.  then the whole process starts over.   i think i might be a happier person if i let those shaving worries go.  i'm in that whole process right now with not dyeing my hair.  aren't there plenty of things to worry about rather than the vain attempts of fighting aging?  it's going to happen anyway, why fight it...it's futile.  ....and then comes the seeing myself in a mirror when a short gray hair is sticking straight up...or god forbid i pull my hair back in a ponytail...HELLO GRAY SIDES!  so far though, i am not trying to conceal the grays...it's been about 7 months or more since i have.   

sure we all want to look young as long as possible....but when that interferes or distracts from the short life we have, it seems trivial...ridiculous even.   decades ago i wished i was a boy....the main reasons why i wished for that?  i didn't want to worry about shaving....i wanted to walk around shirtless when it's hot....i felt like it wasn't fair that guys didn't have to shave underarms or legs...i had no idea what to do with makeup as my mom never wore any so i was clueless.  i was a tomboy and wanted to stay that way.  even back then i saw the absurdities and the differences of how women were judged compared to men. 

so even though i THINK i would be a happier person if i didn't shave, the truth is i wouldn't...at least not at this point.   what i really wish for is to not care either way.  that is the more rebellious way to me....to not let it affect me one way or the other......so my legs are shaved...so what?   or so i haven't shaved in 5 days....so what??   this should have no relevance to how freeing or limiting my days or life is.  somehow it does.   today i felt rebellious...i got in the shower, washed my face, washed my hair and body, and was done.  i got out, put some lotion on, got dressed.....DONE.  no makeup.  no primping. no shaving.  i grabbed the first clothes i saw and was finished getting ready.  

my point in all this chatter about shaving or not shaving is that it symbolizes other things in life too.  long hair, short hair?  gray hair or dyed hair?  make-up or natural?  painted nails or color free?  heels or flats?  dresses or jeans?   doesn't it seem absurd?    who cares?   sadly, a lot of people do...society does...the high standards we put on women do.....the judgements we put on ourselves and others do....the list goes on. 

as my friends' kids grow up, i can't help but think about what they will face.  right now i'm not thinking of me or my generation or generations before but how this whole thing MUST change so they (children now) don't grow up with these warped ideas of beauty or what they should or shouldn't do to fit in.  let them live free of this senseless worry................let them frolic in the fields and pools and nature more..........let them be free.  think of all they could accomplish. 

Market day

A trip to the market makes my day

rock the boat

here we are mid august already....this summer has flown by, just like life does.  I love summer but i haven't been outside as much as i would have liked.   mosquitoes are bad around here...as is west nile virus so i hear.  last year i was so disappointed that i wouldn't be traveling during the summer,  this time around i'm sorta glad for it....though packing is much easier and lighter in the summer months. 

speaking of being lighter....i am still not eating meat.  it's been months now and i don't miss it.   this week i have been thinking about fish though...perhaps it's because i can't stop thinking about the beach...those two go hand in hand usually.

today i am hammering metal hoops.....oh, and my fingers...only one of those i mean to hammer.

i am taking apart jewelry today.  i am hammering metal.  i am taking brand new supplies and manipulating them into something else.  i am reinventing how i usually make something.  it's time.  it's time to do what i want with what i want.  change is good.  making something *yours* is good. 

i am setting intentions.  i am consciously thinking and envisioning what i want with every item i create today...i envision myself taking a step forward with each thing...and then sometimes two.  life is short, make it happen, i tell myself. 

no meat, no apologies

 

i don't like labels.  black, white, southern, yankee, democrat, republican, liberal, hippie, yuppy, gay, straight..............................BUT, ever since i quit eating meat i sorta like adding vegetarian to identify who i am.  i'm sure as time goes on 'vegan' will sound even better.   my friend Sarah wrote a blog post today that made me ever more aware that i DO like labels when they represent what i believe in. 

we get choices in life every day, but it's not often that we can choose something this BIG.....we get to make a choice that lessens pain for other creatures......every day when i wake up i am happy to be a vegetarian....i don't feel a loss, in fact i feel like i have gained a tremendous amount.  i feel liberated...relieved to be living a lifestyle that is more Me....i dare say, i'm even proud of my choice.  proud because i have stuck with it this time....proud because i always knew this was my path but i didn't have the willpower to stick with it, or the timing wasn't right, who knows.  either way, i'm glad i have folks like Sarah in my life that can write a blog post like she did and validate how i choose to live, and also point out that it just isn't possible to keep quiet about something just because it makes others uncomfortable.

speaking of not keeping quiet,  i have been altering my etsy shop a bit, not only with what i am creating, but how it represents me and how i choose to live life.  life should be fun, and i intend to go about it in that way from now on.