Yoga

Right now.  I'm outside listening to the margaritaville pandora station.  The next door neighbor is hammering away building steps and a leveled deck near his dock.  There is a pleasant breeze and it's ten degrees less than it was the other day...which is nice.  As I stretch my body out on the dock I feel longer...yoga is a wondrous thing and my muscles and my whole being is benefiting from it.  The sun warms me and I feel like I could stretch clear across the lake.  This yoga...it feels like coming home.  

simplicity.

I keep thinking about that phrase "use what you have" .....and anytime I think to myself or hear myself saying "I just need a better camera" or "if I had more supplies" or "if I lived at the beach I would be able to do this or that".........but honestly, as much as I crave the simple life and minimalism these days (these past two years) the idea of getting more stuff makes me cringe.  i WANT to have less to use.   i always do better when i have less groceries in the kitchen ...cooking becomes easy, simple, less time consuming...this is ideal during these summer months when the only place i want to be is outside.  i yearn to only own what i can quickly throw together in a vehicle.  i love the idea of having space...room to move around in...yoga, hula hooping, dance parties, who knows what else.  SPACE.  space equals freedom...breathing room...more possibilities.  

the past month I've had a bad habit of putting things off.  for example, i don't like all my clothes being disorganized and it's really time to give away the clothes that don't fit since being vegetarian the past year...but I keep saying "i'll do it later"....or i'll put on a pair of shorts that are clearly too big now and i'll use a belt (i hate belts).  my point is that though it's a small issue, the fact that i'm not going through my clothes to give away is causing annoyances every single time i wear those shorts....and it's at least once a week (i don't own much clothing anymore and what i do own is very simple).  
when i go into the kitchen to make a meal i have too many choices if the kitchen is completely fully stocked...it takes forever to decide...i leave and go back in several times before i make a decision finally (unless i'm really craving one particular thing).  it's absurd.  maybe it's just me and others don't have this issue, but i certainly do. 

the older i get the more simplicity i crave in my life...the more i want/need things to be easier when it comes to decision making....i want less stuff so i don't become disorganized.  i crave and love being tidy but when there is too much stuff around it becomes impossible for me to keep it straight.   I've given myself such a hard time for years about "you should learn to be more organized"....or "you are SO messy!".....instead of realizing that i just really prefer less belongings.  anyway,  more and more of my life has become "use what you have" ....or about finding the simple way.   i'm a simple kind of gal and i'm okay with that.  :) 

Summer and sunshine

I'm happier in the sun.  I think better in the sun.  I move more freely in the sun.  I swear I'm more myself in the sun.  I was born in August....in the midst of the sweltering heat for Georgia.  All my favorite things about life thrive because of bright sunlight...sunflowers, watermelon, summer time, peaches, blackberries, wildflower patches and gardens, beach days, pretty much anything associated with summer including myself.  Needless to say, I am in my element these days...my happiest...my most alive.  Life is good.  

make it count

it isn't what you do in a day, it's HOW you do it...are you present?...aware?...grateful?...motivated?...appreciative of what you have?...inspired?...joyful?...

do you go about your day always wishing you were somewhere else?   it's one thing to aspire for greatness or *something more*....but is it at the expense of what moments you have now?

when you're single do you pine after a relationship?  when you're in a relationship do you daydream about being single again?

when you have a home do you wish you could travel all the time?  when you are traveling do you long for a place to call home?

you know what "they" say.....the grass isn't greener on the other side...it's greener where you water it.

spring awakening....

sometimes I gaze outside and I think there is no possible way to explain in words what it all means.   it's LIFE.   it's green growth...birds chirping...it's azaleas beginning to bloom...it's still scraggly branches and limbs waiting to explode into green.  how does one put this into words? it's impossible.  I feel like those scraggly branches and limbs....I wait.  I wait and I feel the anticipation.  I get restless this time of year...when the cold lingers....but today I am aware; I am aware that my time is here.  my seasons are arriving.  I look for things to do to occupy my thoughts while I wait...........I feel the ache.  I feel the pounding of my heart...the throbbing of my soul ....I feel every breeze and gust of wind....if i'm really still I can feel the blooms start to unfurl and become what they were meant to be. 

my books judge me.

i'm not exactly sure why my body keeps waking me up at 3:45am each morning but it does.  what is it called...the bewitching hour or something?  either way, I am wide awake and no chance of falling back asleep.  usually I lay in the dark about 15 minutes trying to lull the muse back to slumberland, but to no avail.  4am hits and I go start coffee. 4:15 I finally give in and take my glasses off and put my contacts in.   4:30am and my computer is on and here I am writing with a hot mug of coffee. 

I have books stacked and lined up on my nightstand...aka two old antique wood crates stacked.  every time I open my computer I feel my books judging me...when I pick up my phone I can feel their icy glares. 

I have a cat that has a purr that could send the world into a state of peace it has never known.  this cat's purr is so enthusiastic and with such intensity that I can't imagine hate living in it's presence. 

my body has been aching for yoga....almost with an ache of a long lost lover...as if my bones, my muscles, my soul already knows how it will shape and shift and slide into each lone void... how it knows this I do not know.  but it knows.  my shoulders whisper to me to drop...to loosen them up...to relax.  my hips urge me to stretch and give them space.  my spinal cord desires extension...and my back?...my back longs to arch and curve and be like a cat.  I give my body a salutation and calm it's urgencies ...I tell it to wait just a bit longer and I will give it the time it needs...so I take it for walks...I hoop...I dance....but no, it's not enough it says....and so I find myself typing in "yoga for beginners" on youtube...."see body, see, I am doing something ...I am googling yoga....."......I glance at my nightstand and feel a shudder.....so I pour my hot coffee down my gullet to warm myself from the chill and begin another day. 

the dark of morning...

it's 6am and I've been up for nearly 2 1/2 hours.  2nd cup of coffee.  roaring hot fire.  photo lamps are on and many earring photos have been taken.  devil makes three is playing on spotify.  I start my day off with putting vitamin E oil under my eyes...it feels greasy and thick and I kinda like it.  the back of my legs are sore from a 1 hour walk uphill yesterday and I kinda like that too.  getting up at a time of the night/morning where the west coast of the country has barely been asleep if not still awake is somehow comforting.  it might be cold outside but I can feel spring making it's way here...it's waiting on this chilly weather to pass as am I.  like a kid waiting in the bathroom line, c'mon hurry hurry  hurry, I can't wait one more second. 

as I sit here staring out into the dark black of the morning I understand that most of me thrives on the sunshine of the daylight, but my gardener soul feels a restoration of spirit in the slow rise before the sun.  there is something about this time of the day that makes me linger on thoughts of what the rest of the world is doing.  the man on the streets, bundled up on the ground, stomach growling and gurgling protesting lack of food to digest...what does he think of this time of day?...does he lay there praying for the sun to rise and warm up the darkness of his spirit?  what about the girl on the streets, selling herself to put food in her belly, to feed her kids, to make ends meet...what does she think about it?  what about the child who is waking up grudgingly to get ready for school?...the family that is sitting in a hospital waiting on news about a loved one?.........all these people, all this life, racing around yet in this hour it moves slow.   in this hour I see it all...I feel it all....I remember what it's all about in this hour. 

wild daydreams

change can be scary...especially when you know change is needed but aren't yet sure what it will mean and where you are headed....you just KNOW it has to happen.  you know when you are done with something...or when it's time to move on...or when you need to stop eating meat (for example, like I did last year).  i tend to linger on with something until it is absolutely necessary for me to leave or walk away from it...it has not only run it's course, but run ME ragged trying to force what doesn't feel right anymore. 

i've been entertaining myself with wild daydreams....letting my mind wander where it wants to go without restrictions from my so called "realistic" self.  i have found i have BIG ones....i see myself doing all sorts of things ...things i will probably always ache to do if i don't in some form or another pursue them.  i can daydream all i want about "being a rockstar" (not really but playing music for others, yes) , but that has no chance of even remotely coming true until i learn how to play at least ONE instrument fully. ...the same goes for the daydreams about fly fishing in rivers, traveling the world taking photographs, etc etc.   YES, these are all daydreams i have and true desires that are instilled in me from who knows where but they are there...and i discredit a part of me by ignoring them. 

so there you have it. 

the birds and the bees...

i'm feeling the need to unplug...indefinitely.  this urge has nothing to do with the reality of the situation.  i won't unplug...if this were the birds and the bees my progress of unplugging would be 2nd base...perhaps even only 1st base.  I've been thinking about how i interacted with the world around me as a child....i was outside lost in either nature or books...or both, which was my favorite.  the bus would pull up to driveway, i would hop out, run to the porch, dash into my room, toss the bookbag on the floor, grab a book and my compass, bound to the kitchen and fill a thermos full of Kool-Aid, then out the door i'd go for hours.  i daydreamed of being a hobo...as soon as my mother showed me how to tie a bandanna to a long stick and carry my stuff in it this because my obsession.  i envisioned myself jumping trains and traveling here and there....it's funny how that's sorta what i did in 2012.   my point being that i had no use for technology (other than my trusty compass which i had no real need for, it just fueled my imagination), i only wanted blue skies and sunshine, the grass under my feet, swaying trees to climb...sure, things are simpler as a kid than as an adult, but do they have to be?  why can't we all still get lost in nature like we did as children?  why can't we go leaping and dashing into open fields?.....i know i still do, but my phone is always with me....i'm always connected or can be...a distraction is a mere second away. 

i tell myself every day that life is short...there is no time for regrets or setting things to the side to do later.....i started out 2013 with big plans...yet again, i use the birds and the bees reference....i'm only on 1st base with 2013......it's time for some hot and heavy action.

a good life

“I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.”
― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life    

Growth

Lettuce seeds bursting into life

Dance

Don't forget to dance!!

2013 the year of learning

it's 2013 and a year for learning.  i have one thing each month i am learning how to do or more about.  in the past i've had things on my list and never followed through with learning them.  i was neglecting to pay attention to how i learn.  when i am into something new i become obsessed with it....i pick it up constantly throughout the day...i think about it all the time....if i don't keep going with it at a fast pace i will lose the interest, or rather i will lose speed....i need to go at it full-force.   so on that note i will give myself a month with these things to learn.  i have also spaced out the months to include a couple of things bi-weekly to break it up.  this will make more sense as time goes on because i will be photographing and documenting it.  yay! 

what projects are on your 2013 to-do list? 

New Year

2013 is all about having fun and getting things done!

going natural in 2013

i've been thinking about starting 2013 off with only using products that i could eat......if it goes on my skin it should be safe right?  it just doesn't make sense to use anything but natural.  on that note, i have a lot of research to do before the end of this month.   i've also thought about at least changing one or two products every month instead of going full blown changing it all. i want this to stick...i want it to be a good transition.   that means changes with make-up, shampoo, conditioner, lotion, chapstick, and the list goes on....

becoming more conscious of my mark on this world leads to becoming more responsible of my every day choices.  my life matters.  my choices matter.   so do yours. 

wash me clean...

we have to be open to letting anything and everything change us....or affect us is perhaps the phrase to use instead.....none of this 'on the surface' shit.  i don't want to skim on the water like a rock being skipped on smooth still ponds....i yearn to be washed over and cleansed by massive waves and torrential rains of a hurricane.  

it's hard to dance with the devil on your back...

i sometimes forget to have fun.  i get so deeply involved in trying to be a better person that i forget to just let go and let life flow.  in the midst of telling myself every day to be more loving, less critical, more at ease, less judgmental of others, i realize i am completely immersed in being mean, critical, unkind, and judgmental of myself....which in turn expands any kind of feelings of being inadequate.  enough is enough right?  i understand now that i get so caught up in that future potential that i don't allow myself to just be the me i am right now.  no more dragging that horse around.....i'm gonna shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out....

history of meat eating if you please

It's been half a year with no meat consumption.    Yes, I've lost weight...but only after figuring out the healthiest way to be vegetarian (and I'm still learning).  Yes, I have more energy.  Yes, it does make it hard to eat out.  I have found it is very hard to be vegetarian in the South; everything revolves around meat.  Even if something doesn't have meat in it, it is usually flavored with meat or meat is cooked in it....it starts with meat somehow.  

As the season change, I am struggling (my body is) to adjust to vegetarianism once again.  The comfort foods I am so used to making in the Fall are not in alignment with who I am anymore....chicken and dumplings, chili, grilling meat outside, bbq in the crockpot all day..and so on.  It's as if my body remembers how I eat when Summer turns to Fall....is this possible?   In my curiosity to find this out I have stumbled on so much research about how our bodies have evolved to eat meat....even our jaws/teeth have been drastically changed.  

It has led me to be more inquisitive about the history of meat eating...and how it affects humans/animals/the world....how we all have evolved from it...benefits and/or harmful disadvantages.   I'm fascinated by it all now.  If you have any links/articles/books/etc that might aid in my interest, please feel free to inform me.

free.....

sometimes i think i will rebel and so i don't shave for a few days......then i get paranoid it will limit me (shorts wearing, swimsuit, the looks, the obsession of not shaving as opposed to the obsession WITH shaving) so i shave again.  then the whole process starts over.   i think i might be a happier person if i let those shaving worries go.  i'm in that whole process right now with not dyeing my hair.  aren't there plenty of things to worry about rather than the vain attempts of fighting aging?  it's going to happen anyway, why fight it...it's futile.  ....and then comes the seeing myself in a mirror when a short gray hair is sticking straight up...or god forbid i pull my hair back in a ponytail...HELLO GRAY SIDES!  so far though, i am not trying to conceal the grays...it's been about 7 months or more since i have.   

sure we all want to look young as long as possible....but when that interferes or distracts from the short life we have, it seems trivial...ridiculous even.   decades ago i wished i was a boy....the main reasons why i wished for that?  i didn't want to worry about shaving....i wanted to walk around shirtless when it's hot....i felt like it wasn't fair that guys didn't have to shave underarms or legs...i had no idea what to do with makeup as my mom never wore any so i was clueless.  i was a tomboy and wanted to stay that way.  even back then i saw the absurdities and the differences of how women were judged compared to men. 

so even though i THINK i would be a happier person if i didn't shave, the truth is i wouldn't...at least not at this point.   what i really wish for is to not care either way.  that is the more rebellious way to me....to not let it affect me one way or the other......so my legs are shaved...so what?   or so i haven't shaved in 5 days....so what??   this should have no relevance to how freeing or limiting my days or life is.  somehow it does.   today i felt rebellious...i got in the shower, washed my face, washed my hair and body, and was done.  i got out, put some lotion on, got dressed.....DONE.  no makeup.  no primping. no shaving.  i grabbed the first clothes i saw and was finished getting ready.  

my point in all this chatter about shaving or not shaving is that it symbolizes other things in life too.  long hair, short hair?  gray hair or dyed hair?  make-up or natural?  painted nails or color free?  heels or flats?  dresses or jeans?   doesn't it seem absurd?    who cares?   sadly, a lot of people do...society does...the high standards we put on women do.....the judgements we put on ourselves and others do....the list goes on. 

as my friends' kids grow up, i can't help but think about what they will face.  right now i'm not thinking of me or my generation or generations before but how this whole thing MUST change so they (children now) don't grow up with these warped ideas of beauty or what they should or shouldn't do to fit in.  let them live free of this senseless worry................let them frolic in the fields and pools and nature more..........let them be free.  think of all they could accomplish. 

Market day

A trip to the market makes my day