spring awakening....

sometimes I gaze outside and I think there is no possible way to explain in words what it all means.   it's LIFE.   it's green growth...birds chirping...it's azaleas beginning to bloom...it's still scraggly branches and limbs waiting to explode into green.  how does one put this into words? it's impossible.  I feel like those scraggly branches and limbs....I wait.  I wait and I feel the anticipation.  I get restless this time of year...when the cold lingers....but today I am aware; I am aware that my time is here.  my seasons are arriving.  I look for things to do to occupy my thoughts while I wait...........I feel the ache.  I feel the pounding of my heart...the throbbing of my soul ....I feel every breeze and gust of wind....if i'm really still I can feel the blooms start to unfurl and become what they were meant to be. 

my books judge me.

i'm not exactly sure why my body keeps waking me up at 3:45am each morning but it does.  what is it called...the bewitching hour or something?  either way, I am wide awake and no chance of falling back asleep.  usually I lay in the dark about 15 minutes trying to lull the muse back to slumberland, but to no avail.  4am hits and I go start coffee. 4:15 I finally give in and take my glasses off and put my contacts in.   4:30am and my computer is on and here I am writing with a hot mug of coffee. 

I have books stacked and lined up on my nightstand...aka two old antique wood crates stacked.  every time I open my computer I feel my books judging me...when I pick up my phone I can feel their icy glares. 

I have a cat that has a purr that could send the world into a state of peace it has never known.  this cat's purr is so enthusiastic and with such intensity that I can't imagine hate living in it's presence. 

my body has been aching for yoga....almost with an ache of a long lost lover...as if my bones, my muscles, my soul already knows how it will shape and shift and slide into each lone void... how it knows this I do not know.  but it knows.  my shoulders whisper to me to drop...to loosen them up...to relax.  my hips urge me to stretch and give them space.  my spinal cord desires extension...and my back?...my back longs to arch and curve and be like a cat.  I give my body a salutation and calm it's urgencies ...I tell it to wait just a bit longer and I will give it the time it needs...so I take it for walks...I hoop...I dance....but no, it's not enough it says....and so I find myself typing in "yoga for beginners" on youtube...."see body, see, I am doing something ...I am googling yoga....."......I glance at my nightstand and feel a shudder.....so I pour my hot coffee down my gullet to warm myself from the chill and begin another day. 

the dark of morning...

it's 6am and I've been up for nearly 2 1/2 hours.  2nd cup of coffee.  roaring hot fire.  photo lamps are on and many earring photos have been taken.  devil makes three is playing on spotify.  I start my day off with putting vitamin E oil under my eyes...it feels greasy and thick and I kinda like it.  the back of my legs are sore from a 1 hour walk uphill yesterday and I kinda like that too.  getting up at a time of the night/morning where the west coast of the country has barely been asleep if not still awake is somehow comforting.  it might be cold outside but I can feel spring making it's way here...it's waiting on this chilly weather to pass as am I.  like a kid waiting in the bathroom line, c'mon hurry hurry  hurry, I can't wait one more second. 

as I sit here staring out into the dark black of the morning I understand that most of me thrives on the sunshine of the daylight, but my gardener soul feels a restoration of spirit in the slow rise before the sun.  there is something about this time of the day that makes me linger on thoughts of what the rest of the world is doing.  the man on the streets, bundled up on the ground, stomach growling and gurgling protesting lack of food to digest...what does he think of this time of day?...does he lay there praying for the sun to rise and warm up the darkness of his spirit?  what about the girl on the streets, selling herself to put food in her belly, to feed her kids, to make ends meet...what does she think about it?  what about the child who is waking up grudgingly to get ready for school?...the family that is sitting in a hospital waiting on news about a loved one?.........all these people, all this life, racing around yet in this hour it moves slow.   in this hour I see it all...I feel it all....I remember what it's all about in this hour. 

wild daydreams

change can be scary...especially when you know change is needed but aren't yet sure what it will mean and where you are headed....you just KNOW it has to happen.  you know when you are done with something...or when it's time to move on...or when you need to stop eating meat (for example, like I did last year).  i tend to linger on with something until it is absolutely necessary for me to leave or walk away from it...it has not only run it's course, but run ME ragged trying to force what doesn't feel right anymore. 

i've been entertaining myself with wild daydreams....letting my mind wander where it wants to go without restrictions from my so called "realistic" self.  i have found i have BIG ones....i see myself doing all sorts of things ...things i will probably always ache to do if i don't in some form or another pursue them.  i can daydream all i want about "being a rockstar" (not really but playing music for others, yes) , but that has no chance of even remotely coming true until i learn how to play at least ONE instrument fully. ...the same goes for the daydreams about fly fishing in rivers, traveling the world taking photographs, etc etc.   YES, these are all daydreams i have and true desires that are instilled in me from who knows where but they are there...and i discredit a part of me by ignoring them. 

so there you have it. 

the birds and the bees...

i'm feeling the need to unplug...indefinitely.  this urge has nothing to do with the reality of the situation.  i won't unplug...if this were the birds and the bees my progress of unplugging would be 2nd base...perhaps even only 1st base.  I've been thinking about how i interacted with the world around me as a child....i was outside lost in either nature or books...or both, which was my favorite.  the bus would pull up to driveway, i would hop out, run to the porch, dash into my room, toss the bookbag on the floor, grab a book and my compass, bound to the kitchen and fill a thermos full of Kool-Aid, then out the door i'd go for hours.  i daydreamed of being a hobo...as soon as my mother showed me how to tie a bandanna to a long stick and carry my stuff in it this because my obsession.  i envisioned myself jumping trains and traveling here and there....it's funny how that's sorta what i did in 2012.   my point being that i had no use for technology (other than my trusty compass which i had no real need for, it just fueled my imagination), i only wanted blue skies and sunshine, the grass under my feet, swaying trees to climb...sure, things are simpler as a kid than as an adult, but do they have to be?  why can't we all still get lost in nature like we did as children?  why can't we go leaping and dashing into open fields?.....i know i still do, but my phone is always with me....i'm always connected or can be...a distraction is a mere second away. 

i tell myself every day that life is short...there is no time for regrets or setting things to the side to do later.....i started out 2013 with big plans...yet again, i use the birds and the bees reference....i'm only on 1st base with 2013......it's time for some hot and heavy action.

a good life

“I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or to tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing out loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves the gift.”
― Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life